Episode 88: Lesson Learned
Today's topic stems from a realization we had that although we have had our feelings hurt throughout dating, we have never had our hearts broken & that's probably because we have never been in love before.
Here's the tweet that sparked the episode. ( https://twitter.com/wecomefromqns/status/834496223872745476 )
In this episode we are going to have a guided conversation much like our New Year episode about our most recent failed dating experience.
Keep It Simple
Summarize your last failed dating experience in 1 - 3 sentences
Using no more than 10 bullet points recap the entire experience (from beginning to end)
What were your thoughts and feelings about your friend's experience
What were 3 highs from this experience?
How did you know this was someone you wanted to continuously date?
What were 3 lows from this experience?
How did you know that things were not going to last?
Using Iyanla’s Recovery After Long Term Relationship video as a guide (27 min video) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-PC-2Vtkw8)
You have to accept that the relationship is over and that you will recover
Grieving & healing requires that you share your thoughts and feelings about the loss so that you can adjust your mind and heart and spirit. Without sharing, chances are you’ll get stuck and sta stuck in mourning ( meaning thinking shoulda coulda wouldas = different outcome)
Celebrate the good days, know that you deserve them
Celebrate the small victories such as finally eating after going too long without doing so
Laughing when it seems like you've been crying forever
Remove things from your environment that remind you of the person
You can bring these things back at a later time if they are gifts etc
Don’t follow your ex on social media
Even if you think you are completely over your ex, seeing someone you once did everything with now doing things with someone else is going to be painful
Social media is not the place to work through your feelings
Figure out if you can still be friends
What you do and how you do it depends on why you broke up about how you feel about the other person
If you remain friends with the hope that eventually you’ll get back together things can get very ugly & painful very quickly
You have left physically but the layers such as emotionally & spiritually leaving is still going on
Respect this multilayered process
You need to separate on all levels before your heart can heal and your mind can be clear
Establish boundaries and guidelines for communication
Less is more
Maybe 30 days no contact and then decide what can work
Do the things you love even if you once loved doing those things as a couple
You can still enjoy these activities without the other person
Avoid Excessive overeating or drinking
Join a group
Do something new
Learn a skill
Something that opens you up to things you didn’t know about before
Go to shows, movies, concerts
Get a new hairstyle
Do things that make you feel attractive again
Makeover your home such as new bedding, a new candle, a pillow
Avoid a rebound relationship
Or something in someone just t o give you a few thrills
Instead meet new people and see what happens
Seek professional help if depression becomes chronic
Ending a long term relationship regardless of romantic friendship or by natural causes or by choice is challenging so you need to find your own rules.
This is just a place to start
in this video iyanla ends with “It’s important that you train yourself not to be loyal to people who don’t treat you well. Be mindful to protect yourself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually from energy vampires and emotional rapists who will make you feel guilty about how they treat you, remember your first priority is you.”
People should not judge failed love affairs as failed experiences but as part of the growth process. Something does not have to end well for it to have been one of the most valuable experiences of a lifetime. - Ethel Person, medical doctor and psychoanalyst (via Myleik IG Story)
Around The Way
Big-hearted Queens mom gives prom dresses to girls in need